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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Bueller? Bueller?

I've been taking an accidentally-on-purpose break from blogging.
I'm busy. Incredibly busy with a business I can't keep up with.
I'm distracted. Oh so distracted.

And I'm about to get very REAL.

Blogging is usually that sunny picture of how grand life is, and while it is very grand, there are some very real life things our family has been going through.

This might become the skeletons out of the closet post. It's about the hardships, the struggles and the blessings that currently consume our life.

It also might be the longest post I've ever written. So, bear with me. Skim if you must.

I'll start with the business that is growing in way I never imagined. Back in November, I opened an Etsy store to sell my cookies. In the past two months, it's become more than I can handle...literally, I turn down a handful of orders each month b/c I am a one woman operation and I just can't do it all. Blessing? Absolutely! I have prayed for a means to help make ends meet in our finances and God is opening doors and windows in a way I NEVER imagined.

But, in this is also a struggle to balance family. I am consumed by work...and working from home while also caring full time for two tots is enough to send even the strongest woman to the loony bin. I find myself obsessing over what I need to get done during naps, after the kids go to bed, and any time in between when I can steal a moment away from them.

I've cried in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot b/c I'm just so overwhelmed.

I DO feel like my mom/wife duties are taking a backseat and that's tough for me. Stressful. Guilty. But, it's keeping us a float.

I've taken maybe 15 pictures of my kids the past month and 150 of cookies of I've made. And that speaks volumes.

Why you may wonder am I taking on so much business if staying home with my kids is my number one priority?

And the answer is simple: Finances.

To say things have been tight is an understatement. And to be even more real, it is a real possibility my husband might not even have a job at the end of this month. It's incredibly scary.

We are trusting God....that he has already walked this for us.

Finances. I know everyone has to deal with this on some level, and maybe someone else reading this can identity with our struggle.

I currently have $1200 worth of dental work that I need to get done and no dental insurance.

Last year after Maryclaire was born, when things really started to get tough, we found ourselves not being about to make the $250/month payment to the hospital for her birth (our insurance sucks....$6,000 deductible b/f anything besides well care is covered). And now, I owe a collection agency over $2,000. We make a joke out of it around our house, but in reality, it makes me want to cry.

I've lost nearly 20 lbs this past year, unintentionally. At my well visit a few weeks ago, my Dr. chalked it up to hormones leveling out after pregnancy. I am usually a "have to work at it" kind of girl to maintain a 130lbs....which is a normal weight for my 5'6 frame. While I not complaining about being so thin, it's a little worrisome. Stress? Thyroid? I'm getting some bloodwork done soon, but I have to wait a bit longer so my Dr. can code it under my well visit and it not come out of my pocket.

Did I mention I got the flu 2 weeks ago. I was flat on my back in bed for two whole days and my hubby had to take two days off of work to care for the kids. While it was a BIG eye opener for him to have complete responsibility of the kids, there couldn't have been worse timing.

$15,000 worth of credit card debt. That's what we've racked up this year buying groceries and gas.

You might think we live too extravagantly. We don't. My kids wear clothes from consignment, Vaughn's last work clothes came from Goodwill, even the kid's Christmas presents were second hand this year. They definitely didn't notice, and I'm so glad they're too little to right now to know the difference.

We actually laughed out loud when we got Vaughn's W-2 in the mail a few weeks ago. His job as a commission only financial advisor is rocky. But, it's one of those jobs where it could change in a heartbeat if he came across the right client (you know, one that had lots of money he was willing to invest-ha!). We always try to think "it will be better next month."

Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. Trust the Lord.

If I'm sounding ungrateful, forgive me. It's not how I mean to come off. In fact, I'm incredibly excited about my new business ventures. It's all I can talk about with my husband when he gets home from work.

But, it comes at a great cost and I can't shake the feeling I am stealing time from my family.

So, you see how it might be hard for me to sit down at the computer to blog about how funny and perfect and fabulous our life is, to maintain an image of some "do it all and do it fabulously" mom.

Because lately at the end of the day, I just don't have the energy to even pretend things are all rosy.

And I have a feeling, I might regret this post later. BEING REAL IS HARD. But, I'm a heart on my sleeve kind of girl. And I pray God can use my struggles to glorify HIM and maybe even help others...only if it's just knowing they're not alone in their struggles.


  1. Oh, Jill. You are not alone on this. I've actually been thinking of you b/c I never got back to you about the "juggling everything as a wife/mom/business owner" thing. I think I could've written most this post myself. In fact, I've written quite a few like it...and I've cried, too. On more occasions than I will confess to! You and I can share the same room at the loony bin!
    The key is trusting the Lord. Proverbs 3:5-6 helps keep me afloat...and Jeremiah 29:11...well, actually there a lot of verses that do that. (Pretty sure that was God's intention!!! Right? :)
    It's good to be real. I think people can detect the fake sunshine and roses act people give off. Life is hard sometimes! But after God gets you through it all you can look back and see how He carried you through...if you keep your eyes on Him...and it will be to His glory.
    Guess what? You just made my prayer list! ;) I'll be praying for your strength (physical, emotional and mental), for direction, for your husband's job and finances in general. That's what we're supposed to do for each other!
    As I like to say "Girrrl, I got yo back!" Lol. (Tell me you saw that post!)

    Continue to count your blessings....but it's okay to "let it out"! :)

  2. Said a prayer for you tonight and will continue to....It is wonderful to see your trust in the Lord. He ALWAYS provides...maybe not how we want or imagine, but He does. :)

    I am doing a little part time work on my friend's blog ( and I struggle with balancing time with the kids, house, etc. and my 'job' doesn't even create a messy kitchen!

  3. oh, Jill. And in the midst of all this God gave you a house. for months now God has been giving me this verse in I Thess 5:16-17. Ms Sue Thorpe used to say to us in Sunday School, Ladies if you are going through something it is a test, if you don't pass--it's a repeat until we get what God is trying to show us. As my dear Mama said to me, it will pass, God is teaching you to be strong! Love you. Mom


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